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Oh, no, not another Internet Joke Page!

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I'm afraid so.  But this isn't a tedious repetition of Blonde, Redhead, and Brunette jokes, I promise.  In fact, I've pared it down to one joke.  Here it is:

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This was an actual ad in an actual newspaper


I lied.  Here is another joke...

O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught O'Leary and said "O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced my hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that Shaunassy had one just like mine and I knew that Shaunassy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunassy had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest said, "Well, O'Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Shaunassy's hat. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunassy's hat."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said "After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said "No, Father, after you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left my hat."


And still more:

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

4. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

5. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

6. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

7. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

8. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

10. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

11. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

12. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

13. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

14. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

15. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

16. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

17. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

18. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

19. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

20. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me .. they're cramming for their final exam.

21. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

22. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

23. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

24. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

25. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?  (Or formulas 1 through 408?)


"Doc, I can't stop singing 'Green, Green Grass of Home.'" 
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 
"Is it common?" 
"It's not unusual." 


Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." 
The other says, "Are you sure?" 
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."


A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" 
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."   So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.  Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." 
"What!?! Because he's cross-eyed?" 
"No, because he's really heavy." 


A man walks into doctor's office.  "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. 
"It's... um...well... I have five penises," replies the man. 
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" 
"Like a glove."


A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground.  He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.  The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services.  He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead!  What can I do?"  The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy.  I can help.  First, let's make sure he's dead."  There is a silence, then a shot is heard.  The guy's voice comes back on the line.  He says: "OK, now what?"


    One evening Red went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Red sat directly across from Terry's wife. Red dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise, Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, "Did you like what you saw?"
     Red said, "Yes I did."
     She said, "Well you can get more than that, but it will cost you $500."
     So Red thought about this financial situation and said, "O.K."
     She said, "Come here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then."
     Red said, "I'll see you then."
     The next day, Red came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
     Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Red been over here today?"
     Thinking she had been caught, she said, "As a matter of fact, he was here."
     Terry said, "Good because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years.  After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.  "Cold floors," he says.  They nod and send him away.  Seven more years pass.  They bring him back in and ask for his two words.  He clears his throats and says, "Bad food."  They nod and send him away.  Seven more years pass.  They bring him in for his two words.  "I quit," he says.  "That's not surprising," the elders say.  "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."


It's been a rocky week for the Stock Market.  Here's a summary: Helium was up, feathers were down.  Paper was stationary.  Ticonderoga Pencils lost a few points.  Though Elevators rose, escalators continued their slow decline.  Weights were up in heavy trading.  Light switches were off.  Mining equipment hit rock bottom.  The market for raisins dried up.  Pampers remained unchanged.  Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.  Sun peaked at midday.  Birds Eye Peas Split.  Stanley Tools filed for Chapter 11 and Scott Tissues touched a new bottom.


It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.  St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."  The man said, "Oh, it was awful.  I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him.  I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere.  So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips.  I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands.  He fell, but landed in some bushes.  So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him.  The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."  St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.  He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.  "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man.  "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge.  I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer.  Luckily I landed in some bushes.  But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"  St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.  "Tell me about the day you died," he said to the third man in line.  "OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."


Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.  It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No," replied Little Billy, "he minded his own fucking business!!"


 

More Jokes

Dear Abby

Arabic TV -- this is particularly tasteless, just so you know.  It's not at all politically correct, and reflects a prejudice which I personally am innocent of (see my halo?) but which is rampant in our society.  If you don't share this prejudice, even just a little bit, then you won't find these jokes funny.  You've been warned.

Jokes about bad words

Common sense