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Here are some sayings, organized by the reason I find them worthwhile.


"Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get."
-- Dale Carnegie

Q: What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog Vendor?
A: "Make me one with everything."

"A third theory [on the creation of the Earth] is the one offered by my old theological buddy Bobby Joe Dearing, who speculates that the world was originally created as a science fair project. "The problem," says Bobby Joe, "is that God made it the night before he had to turn it in, and he's probably going to get a 'D' on it." - John Anders, Dallas Morning News Columnist

"As a human being, you have no choice about the fact that you need a philosophy. Your only choice is whether you define your philosophy by a conscious, rational, disciplined process of thought and scrupulously logical deliberation -- or let your subconscious accumulate a junk heap of unwarranted conclusions, false generalizations, undefined contradictions, undigested slogans, unidentified wishes, doubts and fears, thrown together by chance, but integrated by your subconscious into a kind of mongrel philosophy and fused into a single, solid weight: self doubt, like a ball and chain in the place where your mind's wings should have grown."
-- Ayn Rand

Nietzsche is pietzsche, but Sartre is smartre.

To do is to be. -- Kant
To be is to do. -- Rousseau
Do be do be do. -- Sinatra

Modern ZEN

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see. -- Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860)

JOKES alluding to famous sayings:

...for if we do not remember the past, we are doomed to, doomed to, um, something bad.
Source: archives :: May 26, 2002 - June 1, 2002

Where am I going and what am I doing in this handbasket?

"Jesus Saves!... Then passes to Moses... Then to Abraham, now back to Moses, then to Isaac... Shoots... Scores!!!!"

Volvo, Video, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not  walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

"Good judgment comes from experience, and often experience comes from bad judgment."
-- Rita Mae Brown

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

It's always funny till some one gets hurt.  Then it's hilarious.

Its takes 23 muscles to smile and 4 to extend your arm and bitch slap that person across the face.


Hanlon's Razor: "Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity"

Uhlmann's Razor: "When stupidity is sufficient explanation, there is no need to have recourse to any other." -- Robert Uhlmann, former Attorney General of the United States.

"A lie is only a vice when it does harm. It is a great virtue when it does good. So be more virtuous than ever. You must lie like the devil, not timidly, not for a while, but boldly, and all the time." -- Voltaire, 1736


GILLETTE'S PRINCIPLE: "If you want to make people angry, lie. If you want to make them absolutely livid with rage, tell the truth."

"Me thinks thou dost protest too much" -- Shakespeare


"Prejudice is one of the most stupid things on earth because there are so many perfectly good reasons to dislike people on an individual basis"


"It's useless to plan for the unexpected... by definition." -- A. Hitchcock

"Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler." -- Albert Einstein


"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."
-- Herm Albright

"If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong." -- Kinky Friedman

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Explaining things away:

"Not all who wander are lost." -- J.R.R. Tolkien

"Just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean everyone's not out to get me."
-- Emmanuel Luk, and then paraphrased by Henry Kissinger, who said,
"Even paranoids have enemies."


Some people are like Slinkies... not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

"Badges? We ain't got no badges. We don't need no badges. I don't have to show you any stinking badges!" 
--Gold Hat, as played by Alfonso Bedoya in "Treasure of the Sierra Madre" (1948)

"During an election campaign, the air is full of speeches and vice versa" -- Henry Adams.

Technology is dominated by two types of people:
Those who understand what they do not manage.
Those who manage what they do not understand. -- Putt's Law

"The most damaging words in the English language are, 'IT'S ALWAYS BEEN DONE THAT WAY.'"
- Adm. G. Hopper

"Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas." -- Joseph Stalin

There's no need to change the world. All we have to do is toilet train the world, and we'll never have to change it again.

"I do not want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality by not dying." - Woody Allen

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